


The Love Song of J. Eridan Ampora

by tweedymcgee



Series: Poems [2]
Category: Homestuck, Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock - T. S. Eliot
Genre: F/M, Parody, Poetry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-07
Updated: 2012-08-07
Packaged: 2017-11-11 15:09:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/479838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tweedymcgee/pseuds/tweedymcgee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>in the depths the squidlings come an go<br/>glubbin of glbgolyb down below</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Love Song of J. Eridan Ampora

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first Homestuck poem parody I've tackled, and probably the one I'm proudest of.
> 
> I've also written a bit about Prufrock and Eridan [here](http://tweedymcgee.tumblr.com/post/28314756535/eridan-and-t-s-eliot-a-few-thoughts) at the behest of Tumblr user getastewgoin, who runs the Sonnetstuck blog, and was kind enough to publish this poem on it.

_IF I THOUGHT FOR ONE DESPERATE MINUTE THAT ANY OF YOU THROBBING GRUBFUCKS_  
 _HAD ACTUALLY PAID ATTENTION TO MY PREVIOUS HEARTFELT ATTEMPTS TO FEED YOUR THIRSTY SPONGES A LITTLE FUCKING SCHOOL_  
 _I MIGHT AT THIS JUNCTURE OFFER SOME WORDS OF FRIENDLY SUCCOR._  
 _BUT SINCE YOU TURDFLECKED HOOFBEASTS OBVIOUSLY CAN’T BE ARSED TO DO ANYTHING BUT STAND AROUND AND DROOL,_  
 _I’M NOT REALLY INCLINED TO GILD THE NECROSIS BLOSSOM. HERE’S THE CRUX:_  
 _FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU ALL. GO EAT FRONDS, YOU USELESS FUCKING TOOLS._

-Karkat Vantas, excerpt from _“A Long, Pedantic and Extremely Profane Tirade In Which Various Critical Aspects of Future Events Are Revealed to a Bunch of Stupid Wigglers Who Defecate With Force In Their First Larval Instar Swaddlings, Not That They Bother To Pay Attention.”_

come on fef lets hit the sand  
wwhile all a fuckin civvilization lies wwaitin for our sovvereign hand  
like an egg sac ready for the fuckin hatchin  
come set your foot on dryin shores  
the stage for future wwars  
of ruin an of bloody armageddon  
wwith sands of rememberin an of forgettin  
shores that roll on like a fuckin argument  
of caliginous intent  
to lead you to a carnal situation  
dont look so fuckin dire  
let us make this shit transpire  
  
in the depths the squidlings come an go  
glubbin of glbgolyb down below  
  
the landscum plague that spreads across the rubble  
the lowwblood cancer squattin on the lea  
dripped its vvenom in the vveins that feed the rivvers  
poisoned the fuckin wwaters a the sea  
traced crusts a flotsam on our wwavemarked beaches  
left great malignant fishes rottin in the deep  
an happy with its noxious depredations  
slammed a faygo got its wwicked zone on an fell asleep  
  
fef wwhen i get my tactics all in line  
you better get to sharpenin your forks  
cause no one deals apocalypse  
like wwe schemin devvils of the brine  
an you knoww wwe saltlickers got time  
time for a billion horrorterror visions  
and time to plan incisions and collisions  
before the hour comes to make the lowwbloods pay  
an run a skewwer through them like a bunch a prawwns  
it takes time to get your pieces in a roww  
i knoww you dont play chess fef  
but if you did youd knoww  
its all about the motherfuckin pawwns  
  
in the depths the squidlings come an go  
glubbin of glbgolyb down below  
  
and indeed there wwill be time  
for all the swwimmin creatures in the bay  
look i found you a wwounded cuttlefish today  
i knoww you like to take in evvery fuckin stray  
(an now youre stuck with a pathetic brinesucker like me)  
but here i am decked out like a fuckin pirate king  
wwearin at least a dozen golden fuckin rings  
tryin to understand howw our lovve stopped bein a thing  
(come on fef im glubbin beggin on my bended knee)  
its hard  
bein a kid  
its hard and nobody  
takes the fuckin time to hear you like you wwish they did  
  
for i have knowwn them all already knowwn them all  
have knowwn the diamond sirens on their pity thrones  
i have splashed down hard in many a moirail zone  
i knoww the fuckin tortures of a thwwarted shade a pale  
so howw can i prevvail  
  
an i havve knowwn the horns already knowwn them all  
horns that are sharp an fierce an aimed right at your motherfuckin gills  
but wwhen its time to go in for the krill  
the one you thought was destined as your evverhatin foe  
wwill leavve you fuckin standin like an asshole wwith your pail  
an all their pitchblack ardor melts like snoww  
so how can i prevvail  
  
an i havve knowwn the fins already knowwn them all  
fins that are translucent an pink an frail  
an wwavvin slightly in the current like a pleated chiffon sail  
is it a dorsal frill  
that makes me fuckin ill  
fins that fan out like anemones or flutter like a vveil  
can i then prevvail  
and howw should i begin  
  
shall i say i havve gone at noon to the abyss  
an pacified the terror of the deeps  
wwith flesh of the levviathan still bloody from the battle  
  
you ought to reconsider our alliance  
you knoww youre mine its motherfuckin science  
  
but wwould it havve been wworth it after all  
after the bombs the doomsday engines the plagues  
among the fallen lowwblood corpses among the spoils a wwar  
wwould it havve been wworth wwhile  
to have bitten off the matter wwith a smile  
to seal our glorious vvictory wwith invvitations concupiscent  
flushin so hard my lateral chromatophores all go fluorescent  
to say i am dualscar come from the dead  
come back to glub you all i shall glub you all  
if one cockin her pretty little finfrilled head  
should say that is not wwhat i meant at all  
that is not it at all  
  
im a fraud  
im a douche  
i shall gel my hair up wwith a purple swwoosh  
  
i guess ill just wwait another sweep  
til fussy tyrian princesses are sellin cheap  
i havve heard your lusus singin in her sleep  
  
i think youll need my help to keep your squidmom fed  
  
wwait a minute fef dont go  
i knoww youvve got this coddamn goldblood beau  
but wwith a little time this thing wwe got just might lay roe  
  
wwe have lingered in the chambers of the sea  
wwith starfish empresses on coral thrones  
fuck it fef were all glubbin alone


End file.
